Pink Crayon
by Nakimochiku
Summary: some crack, self insertion, hichi x ichi, valentine's day fic. it was probably the crayon's fault. finished!
1. Chapter 1

PINK CRAYONS ch. 1

_hee hee. Valentines day fic! Woot! I only remembered today! Lol...why am I laughing?! Enjoy!_

"Zangetsu!" Hichigo whined. He shook violently at the perch on which the old man stood. "I wanna give King a valentines card!"

The zanpaktou didn't answer, instead wondered silently to himself how the hollow had even learned of valentines day in the first place.

"ZANGETSU!" Hichigo whined once more, angrily shaking the pole.

"You cannot give Ichigo a card" he finally answered, sighing quietly to himself. "You cannot go and buy any."

The Hollow smiled deviously, as if that was all beneath him. "I can make one!" he said proudly. "Now gimme some paper and crayons! I hafta finish today!" Zangetsu sighed, handing the albino a pad of colored paper and crayons. "Wee! Wha' should I say?"

"It's your card." he rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses, watching ans Hichigo kicked his legs back and forth as he lay on his stomach, humming a quiet tune. He kept the opinion of how much he looked like a three year old to himself.

"I'll say I love ya. It's simple." he giggled to himself, and began cutting out hearts. At least, they were supposed to be hearts, it was hard to tell. They were square. He glued them carefully to a folded red paper and got out a white crayon, drawing more square hearts. He got out a pink crayon, opening the card up to the inside before squealing with childish glee.

"King..." he called aloud, shocking the shinigami out of his thoughts. "Will ya come down fer a moment later?" there was a thought ful pause.

"What are you planning?" the hollow giggled a little to himself, about to write 'love, Hichigo' when something terrible happened.

Something horribly, terribly, awfully, disgusting happened.

His pink crayon disappeared. He yelped in shock then growled in anger. "What? What's wrong?" Ichigo sounded cautious.

"When ya come down here...bring a pink crayon with ya..."

"Can't you just use red?" Zangetsu asked when Hichigo had finished his conversation and started pacing.

"of course not! See! This part is red, an' this part is white! I hafta use pink! It's a color scheme! Besides. Only the best fer king!" after a few minutes, Hichigo grew a little nervous.

And by a little I mean a lot.

"Wha' if 'e doesn' like it? Wha' if 'e doesn' take it? Wha' if–?"

"Hichigo! Calm down! Just sit quietly until he comes." Hichigo did as he was told, annoying Zangetsu with his constant fidgeting. When Ichigo finally ventured into his mind, he jumped up.

"Pink crayon!" Ichigo handed his hollow the pink crayon with a questioning face. He watched silently as he did one thing or another. "Aha! It's done! Close yer eyes king?"

There was something strangely innocent about the look on the hollow's face. So he closed his eyes and found something sticky and messy placed in his hands.

"Ish loves you!" Hichigo squealed. He was surprise by a kiss —

"ISH?! Wha' the hell da ya mean ish?!" Hichigo shouted at Riri

"Shut up, you're ruining a story where you're a total idiot!" Ichigo scolded. "And if he kisses me I'll kill you."

"Shut up, yer ruinin' a story where ya fall in love!" Hichigo sneered mockingly.

"LOOK! I've got the computer. I don't care what either of you say. So here's how it's gonna work. Either Hichigo can be a deranged psychopath who acts more like a three year old then a hollow, or, you two can give me a good plot. Pick one and stick with it." Riri commanded, glaring at both of them. Which looked more like half a smile and a frown mixed together.

The shinigami and hollow looked at each other. "We'll find a plot!" they yelled simultaneously.

They disappeared from her living room, leaving a grinning author with her perverted and crazy thoughts. She rubbed her hands together. "This is gonna be _good!_"

TBC

_lol...I can't even remember the proper plot for this story (I was putting it off for FST) so I thought of this and I said fuck it. This is my first real attempt at humor in bleach, and I know it sucks monkey shit. But don't be hating. Please reveiw... lol, there goes the cutesyness... lol..._


	2. chapter 2

PINK CRAYON ch. 2

Hichigo stared at Ichigo for a long moment, then flopped down on the side of the blue building, sighing heavily before smirking up at his king. "So wha' plot are we gonna give 'er?" he asked.

"As if I know. Now shut up and think." Ichigo sat beside him, fingering a pink crayon. When he thought about it, this whole valentines farce was all the crayon's fault. "I hate you." he mumbled to it. "You're pink and you stink and I never drink pepto-bismal!"

"I don' question ya." Hichigo said with a small smile. They sat in silence (though Ichigo was still glaring at the crayon. If only pink never existed...) "Aha! How about our first kiss on valentine's day?"

"I've done that already" came a sudden voice. Both boys whipped around to see Riri typing something on an ipod that wasn't even hers. They gasped and clutched their chests.

"Are you trying to kill us?!" Ichigo yelled.

"Ichigo, maybe. Hichigo? Loves him too much." she laughed hysterically. "It's like text messaging!" she mumbled to herself, giggling again. They ignored her, which was quite a feat with her giggling every two seconds and her comments on 'pen rape' every five.

"Um...smex?" Ichigo suggested, blushing dark red and lowering his eyes to the blue concrete.

"Aww! King can't even say the proper word" Hichigo pinched his cheek. "You're too cute!"

"Shut up! Should that be the plot or no?" Ichigo nearly screamed when he turned around and Riri's face was inches from his own.

"No can do. I'm too shy to post lemons." the hollow scoffed, running the piece of pink crayon from Ichigo over the concrete, getting up to write something.

"How about...we accidently kiss and find out we love each other?" Hichigo asked, drawing something and shoving Riri roughly away so he could continue drawing.

"Too coincidental. You know me, I love actual plots." Riri tugged at her hair. "Damn I need to wash this..."

"Pin cushions." Hichigo swore under his breath. Riri looked at him, a strange rabid chipmunk gleam in her eye. Or maybe it was more like a schizophrenic hyena? He backed up a little.

"Pin cushions, you say? Yes...pin cushions. It would work out wonderfully. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (cough cough) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Choke choke) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Suffocate) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Die)"

both Hichigo and Ichigo stared at Riri's corpse. "She's gone. Hallelujah praise the lord! We have ridded the world of certain doom!" Ichigo shouted, half sarcastically. He turned around, finding Riri directly in his face once more.

"Hee! As if you could get rid of me that easily!" she gloated to herself, though no one was listening.

"It's finished!" Hichigo called. His voice was echoing, as he was all the way near the horizon. "I finally finished it." he jumped into the air, looking with pride at his masterpiece. "Can you write a story off of this, Riri?!"

Riri and Ichigo followed. "What is it?" Riri asked, though she couldn't hear the answer, considering Mandii's ipod was too loud.

"A heart!" Hichigo crossed his arms over his puffed out chest, smiling broadly.

"It's...square..." Ichigo responded, giving the hollow a strange look. But who was he to say anything? He talked to crayons and hung around with a hyena trapped in a girl's body. (A very sexy girl I might– NO! YOU CANNOT ADD!)

"Doom didi doom! The doo doo song! Doom didi doom!" Riri sang, wiggling around in what she would call dancing.

The masterpiece it self was a giant heart, with the words: 'long live king! I love king!' written inside. A crude drawing of the two kissing was beside it.

"You're jealous and you know it!" Hichigo shouted, whooping in victory and flashing a peace sign at the cameras. "You see?" Hichigo said, talking to air. "King has always been jealous of me cuz he's really weak. But–!"

"Hichigo. Who are you talking to?" Ichigo asked. He placed a hand on the hollow's shoulder. Hichigo smiled awkwardly.

"The cameras, Ichigo. I'm talking to the cameras... their watching us, and filming us. I'm a star! Somewhere out there, there's a little girl who loves me." Ichigo only shook his head.

"...you pedophile..."

"Doom do do do doom da! Dii dii dii! Ya! Doooooom!" Riri thrashed her head around violently, playing the air guitar. "ROCK OOOOOOOON!"

"Riri...can we get back to the story now?" he ignored Hichigo, who had once again engaged in imaginary conversation with the 'cameras'.

"WHAT?!" Riri yelled, unable to hear.

"Pin cushions..." Ichigo cursed, setting Riri off on a laughing spree.

"Yes... pin cushions..."

TBC

_...there's something wrong with me. I know it. You know it. It's the truth! But. Here's chapter two. Maybe I'll have two more chapters...but that'll be it. Please review!_


	3. Chapter 3

PINK CRAYON ch. 3

_Alright. So I've beem questioning my sanity lately, and decided screw it. So please enjoy._

"Alright. In order for what you so kindly call 'torture' to be over, you need to be my personal man slaves." Riri said, cracking her neck slightly.

Hichigo turned his back on them, and made a dramatic face. "Trouble has brought a cruel fate for our beautiful and talented Hichigo-sama! What will he do?!" he sighed. "No worries ladies out there" he winked. "I'll get out of this alive!"

"So anyway. I'll need some materials! We're gonna need...ribbon, cake, fake flowers, Downy fabric softener, Hearts plus! And those little vietnamese candies that Erikku-kun gave me."

"You need all this to write a fanfiction?!" Ichigo yelled. He nearly fainted at the uniform Ishida pulled out for him to wear. "You!" he pointed an accusing finger at the quincy. "You've been helping her all along." the quincy merely bowed his head in shame.

"I tried to run away, and gain freedom...the last time I tried, she tied me to a chair and made me listen to the barney song fifteen times. And even then she wasn't satisfied. Next was the fun song, and **both** emo songs. I-I..." Ishida shuddered, giving Ichigo a zombie like stare. "I've never been the same since." both teenagers sent a glance to the 'innocent' Riri, who was bobbing her head in time to the 'fufufuwaooooo' song.

"Man... id that's how she treats the guys she likes, I wonder how she treats those guys she hates." at that very moment a familiar voice cried out in pain.

"Not the teletubbies! NOT THE TELETUBIIIIIIIIIIES!" Ishida shivered with horror, as if he knew exactly what Aizen was going through.

"You don't know the half of it. Nnoitra had stuffed animals strapped to his body with duct tape, his eye patch covered in sequins, and buttons glued to his face. Then he was fed nothing but apple sauce for three months strait!"

"Stop stop! I can't take the horror! Help me green crayon!" he hugged his case of crayons to his now frilly uniformed chest. (How he managed to change without me noticing, who knows)

"We're not done yet! He was dunked repeatedly in soy sauce." Ichigo shivered, eyes widening in fear. "And then barbeque sauce."

"Noo..."

"A hint of thyme and basil."

"NOOO!"

"And he was placed in a water tank with a starving great white." Ichigo screamed in terror. "But she won't do that to you guys. The worse that will happen is some emo songs and avenue Q's 'if you were gay'" Ishida smiled, fixing Ichigo's frilly pink dress.

"Where are my vietnamese candies?!" Riri called. But she stopped yelling when she saw Ichigo in his uniform. "Oh my god! You are the meaning of cute!" she crawled over to him, looking up with adoration as if he was a god. "The slight blush, the showing of legs, the way your headdress compliments your hair!" she screamed with ecstasy, hugged his legs. "Perfect!"

"Um...I'm going to go get that stuff...over there...away from you..." he wiggled out of the authoress's grip, running down the stairs.

Riri turned crazed eyes on Hichigo, who was drawing on the walls. "Pin cushions..." the hollow cursed, turning around slowly when he felt those demonic eyes on him. Like chipmunks...chipmunks... oh it had been a happy picnic, until his peanuts were stolen and his father was turned into a weremunk!

"Yes pin cushions. Pin cushions are exactly what I have in mind!" she cackled, then gazed at Hichigo again with those big brown unblinking chipmunkie eyes! "You and Ichigo are going to fall in love, all because of sewing! It's perfect! Hee hee!"

"Knowing you, nothing is ever perfect." Ichigo grumbled, he dragged a bag of stuff to the top of the stairs. He pushed the once again drooling Riri off him. "I got you some craft wire while I was at it."

"You devil!" Riri shouted, enraged. "What are you trying to do?! Distract me?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now go sit in the corner while I listen to this tape of Erikku-kun yelling about Zaraki." she giggled hysterically as a high pitched male voice emitted from her computer.

"He was laughing and laughing! While getting hacked to pieces! I don't like that guy he's freaking crazy! Yelling yes ichigo kill me more! And laughing! He's getting KILLED!" she was reduced to fits of snorting laughter until she was clawing for breath. Then she paused it, and immediately calmed down.

"Alright! Time to get started!" she began typing at an unbelievable pace. "Oh ho! With the work we go! We're going through the tunnels! We're turning through the bed! And when we come back we'll do it all over again!" Riri sang.

"You know what scares me the most?" Ichigo whispered to Hichigo. Though the hollow wasn't listening, he continued talking anyway. "It's that I actually obeyed her..." he sat in the fetal position in the corner, cringing at the high notes that Riri tried to sing.

Hichigo simply hummed, rocking back and forth. "Chipmunks...no! Not the peanuts! Take my sister! Take the potato salad. Anything but the peanuts..."

Ichigo took out his box of crayons, glaring at pink. "This is your fault. This is all your fault."

TBC

_heh. Sanity is lacking... review!_


	4. Chapter 4

PINK CRAYON ch. 4

_Heh. Last one. It's 5 am... wow, I stayed up all night._

Ichigo sucked on his bleeding finger, glaring a little at the offending pin that had pricked him. He tried again to pin the white cloth to the black, succeeding only in pricking his finger again.

"If ya keep prickin' yerself like tha', ya might fall asleep like sleepin' beauty." a distorted voice by his ear warned. White hands snaked around him, taking the cloth and pin from him and attaching them. "There King."

Ichigo huffed. "I didn't need your help." Hichigo simply smirked.

"Yea right." he stood behind Ichigo like that watching him finish his project for home economics class.

"Even making a recipe from scratch would be easier than this. I bet stupid Ishida is already done!" Ichigo cursed as the needle dug into his flesh. It was pretty deep. He pulled it out, looking at how bad the damage was. Hichigo grabbed his hand, licking his finger carefully, before placing it in his mouth and wrapping his tongue around it. "Hey! What the hell are you doing?!" he asked, blushing at the feel on the tongue.

"My saliva 'as healin' prop'ties." Hichigo explained, letting the finger drop out of his mouth. "Stop complainin', tha' coulda gotten infected."

"Thanks..." Ichigo grumbled. He started sewing again. It took shape. A little black ear. And then another.

"Wha' are ya tryin' ta make?" Hichigo asked, holding the cloth steady so his king could cut more.

"A panda bear. We have to sew something, and I thought this would be easy. Apparently I was wrong." Ichigo sighed, but continued sewing and pricking himself. Soon, a blood stained panda face revealed itself to the world.

"I'll help." Hichigo offered, already picking up a needle. He started on the body, and sewed faster and more efficiently than his king. Ichigo gazed in wonder as a perfect panda body lay before him.

"Wow! Thanks! You're almost as good as Ishida!" Hichigo helped him sew the head to the body, and stuffed it through a little hole in it's foot and head. A little red heart was placed in it's hands.

"Wha's the heart for?" Hichigo asked, admiring his handiwork.

"It's valentine's the day we're supposed to hand this in." Hichigo nodded, face blank. They sat there in silence for a little bit.

"It's really lonely in there." Hichigo said, as if he didn't want to go back. Ichigo looked thoughtful for a moment, before smiling shyly.

"When this is marked, I'll give it to you. Then it can keep you some company." Ichigo said, letting him hold the panda.

"Only when you're not there visiting me." they leaned forward, and kissed, long and sweet.

OWARI

"Awwww!" Hichigo cooed, looking over Riri's shoulder. "You got all of this off of pin cushions?"

Riri leaned back, placing her feet on the computer desk, grinning in victory, only to take them down again when she saw a mouse run across the surface. "Those damn mice..." she sighed, then grinned once more. "Of course! I'm the great Riri-sama!"

"RIRI! HELP PLEASE! IT WANTS TO EAT ME!" all three of them ignored the cries of Nnoitra as the squeaks and rips of teddy bears filled an insane silence.

"KIWI!" Grimmjow called. Riri petted his head and handed him a kiwi. "I love kiwi..."

Riri carefully read over her story. With a yell of anger, she deleted it all. "What was wrong with it?" Ichigo asked, glaring at the pink crayon as he adjusted his dress.

"It wasn't good enough." she stated with a huff. "And you've got to stay here with me until I come up with a good one!"

Ulquiorra stumbled into the living room, collapsing onto the floor next to an ecstatic Grimmjow. "Peanut butter..." he groaned. "It was everywhere...there was no escaping... but now I'm free! Free!" a peanut gremlin came in, and began dragging him by his feet back the way he'd come. "Noooooooooo! Not the peanut butter!"

And so ends a sad, demented disturbing and...you fill in the blanks story! What will happen next?! Find out in the sequel! "Escape from Jaded Castle!"

Riri looked around. "Where is that voice coming from?"

"SEE?!" Hichigo yelled. "Now to do believe me?! It's the narrator! We're all on TV!!!"

"Yes, yes, Hichigo. There are hidden cameras that are filming our lives because we're just so interesting. We believe you. Now, it's time for your medicine." Ichigo jabbed a needle into the hollow's arm.

(Behind the scenes)

"Bwahahaha!" laughed Don Konongi "they don't even realize what I'm doing! This is GOLD!"

THE END... I think...

_Honestly... how do you spell that guys name?! Review jaded castle will be up soon._


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